A New Thing...

A New Thing…

“I am about to do something new! See, I have already begun. Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

Two days shy of 11 months since my last post.

I don’t even know what to say about that other than a mini blog of sorts has been occurring ever since then over on my Instagram account. The words I write are my feelings and my heart – I don’t speak for that of my family…we all travel the same journey, but with different viewpoints.

Our world, for lack of a better description, imploded in April of last year. Our son’s cancer progressed and we faced chemo, undernourishment, critical levels of everything a body needs, a month in the hospital, a feeding tube…and so on. It feels as though the past year has been an endless tsunami and we are all just trying to figure out which way is up because our lungs are burning for air.

Nothing about this has been easy – every step has been like running your heart over shards of glass and then trying to stop the bleeding with a cotton ball. I don’t care how old they are, when your children are in pain you would go to the ends of the earth to make it go away. You would die a thousand deaths to save them even one second of agony, physically or emotionally.

I say every step has been hard – and yet I feel like sometimes just moving forward has been a miracle. I certainly have not moved forward on my own accord. It has been by the strength of God, through His word and His people. Were it not for people ‘holding space’ for me, I am not sure what state of well-being I would be in right now. (When you hold space for someone, you bring your entire presence to them. You walk along with them without judgment, sharing their journey to an unknown destination. Yet you're completely willing to end up wherever they need to go. You give your heart, let go of control, and offer unconditional support.)

A year ago I would have seen my circle of support being completely different, and yet God had a plan even in those who would rally around each of our family members as a whole and individually. It has been a living, breathing walking out of the truth that we were not made to be alone, we were meant to do life together. These people show me that I am known, I am seen, and I am loved.

And so, while my faith is often shaken and shattered, I still hold tight to the fact that God is in control, He is doing a new thing, mountains are moving – it just doesn’t always look like I think it should look. There are days I feel as though I will never look up again, as though my heart will never be able to be whole again and that I might never have full lungs again. Days when all I can do is put my harsh words out there to God, and to those He has placed around me, and let them carry the ‘ick’ for me. It has taught me to look beyond the painful words and actions, to the hurting heart – my own and others. Too often we miss the pain of another because we choose to be turned away by hard words. If I have learned anything it is this…there is always more we can do to love people well.

All of that to say this – I started this blog as a way to post recipes and creative moments as I built my business. That part of life has been paused for now. Being a food blogger takes on a new meaning when a family member now gets most of their nutrition through a tube. Sewing seems frivolous when there are other pressing tasks to be done. I have even pondered putting my camera away, as if doing nothing will make it all better. Will make the pain go away. It won’t. It just leaves another hole.

I have been told by a handful of people I should write more from where I’m at in life – be it hurting, creating or just sitting in the unknown with those who are holding space for me. So, that is what I will do. Small steps to bring back a bit of light into a corner that has been dark for a year. God is doing a new thing – and I will follow His lead, and write as He directs. So, be it a crafty moment, a family photo session or just a landscape; a recipe for the family table or nutrition for those who are taking care of someone with a special need; or maybe it is just writing from my heart the things God is sharing – putting the broken glass out there so we can all see how He makes even the broken pieces shine beauty.

After all…He calls us to ‘walk on waves.